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worthless.....

dead inside
I know that this seems to have become a habit, but if you care to listen here is my life....


craziness ensues....Collapse )
Well, I think I am going to try to write a little on my paper for this week, so I will talk to you guys later!

Love you all,

Jennifer C ;)

what a life......

love writing
Been a while...... 


under here lies my crazy life....Collapse )

Loves and kisses,
      Jenn ;)

bored, but hanging in there.....

love writing

Hey guys,

How is everything going?

It’s been stressful here. I really hate the holiday season. I think that it’s been so hard that I’ve lost a few family members this year. We got a Christmas card from my Granny and for the first time ever it didn’t have my Pa’s name on it. I think that it hit me pretty hard because it’s the first Christmas that he’s not here. It’s not the same without him here.

I have been having such a hard time lately and I think it’s because I haven’t mourned properly. I don’t think though that I know how to mourn. Because if I did know how to mourn for people, I think I would cry at funerals. I found myself in a very foreign predicament at my grandfather’s funeral because I actually cried. My mother’s parents both died when I was younger and my mother’s twin brother died when I was in high school. I’ve lost friends, classmates, and too many family members to count, but I have never cried at a funeral. Then I went to my grandfather’s funeral and to be completely honest I think that it was just like twenty-five years of pent up frustration at losing people.

I think I’m angry as well because I tell people that I’ve lost three family members this year and they say, I’m sorry for your loss. How is it that these people can be sorry? They don’t know that my family members weren’t murderers or rapists; they just blindly tell you they are sorry. And then you get the worst, they’re in a better place. How the hell do you know that? And even if they are in a better place now, I still want them back. I don’t want the last thing that I told my sister to be you’re not my sister. I don’t want to have nothing but bad memories of my grandfather. I just want a do-over and I don’t get that anymore. I feel horrible about the things that I have done and said in my life and you can never take certain things back. I’ll be seventy and still remember that the last thing that I said to my sister before she died was that she wasn’t my sister.

So I think that I’ve dealt with depression on an extremely regular basis this year. Of course I’m going at it solo, without medication, but I haven’t had a day since before my birthday that I didn’t wake up and think, I just really want to die. I’ve even thought about starting to cut myself again and I really don’t want to think about stuff like that. I think that the only thing that has kept me from going back to that place that I was at is that I know that I have too much to lose if I have to go back into a mental hospital. But to be completely honest with you, I liked feeling like shit all the time. I have some of the best literary work of my life because I was drunk and suicidal. It seems to me that everyone is expecting me anymore to write and it’s such a struggle for me that I’ve even thought about giving it up. And then I get these times of depression and I truly feel like I’m myself again because I can write and actually feel like I’m good at it. I’m starting to wonder if I ever was a good writer or if it was just the depression talking. 

Then I really think that if I start drinking again and go back to cutting myself that it will make it better and I’ll feel whole again. I’ve noticed that I’ve been angry a lot lately and I’m taking it out on everyone around me. I don’t think that I’ve ever been as angry as I am right now. I don’t know if I’m just getting older and I understand better what is going on around me and I don’t like it or if there is just some predisposed defect in me that is going to cost me everything. I think a lot of it is that I used to turn my anger inwards and be angry at myself, that is where the cutting came into play, but now that I am not doing that anymore, I am angry at everyone else. Does that mean that I’m a bad person or am I just venting? Walks used to calm me down or sleeping, but I either get back from a walk or wake up now and I’m still just as mad if not more. And I’m up to smoking about three packs of cigarettes a day, which is killing me. I’ve had bronchitis for about two months now, I think it’s starting to turn into pneumonia, but to be honest, I like feeling pain and being sick is keeping me going. How twisted am I?

Well, I guess I’ll go for now. I really have run out of things to say. Maybe I’ll post again tomorrow after everything Christmas is over, but I’m not sure right now. I’ll talk to you guys later.




Jenn

writing.....

love writing
While I was finishing the story for yenny2206 I realized something. I have been so stressed about writing my book lately that I have done everything but write my book. And I realized that was because I was writing with the sole purpose of getting my book published. But that's not why I started writing. I started writing because I loved the way that I felt when I was creating these stories. It has been so long since I have finished a story that I had forgotten that I love write.

So I decided that I don't care if I ever get my book published. I am going to write my book because I love writing and if it gets published, that's just me having the cake and eating it. So thank you yenny2206 for helping me remember that I write because that's my passion and not because I want to be a famous, published author.

Jennifer

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Ginger-haired men.... NC-17

i <3 Ron

Title: Ginger-haired men
Author: Jenn aka:domsgurll
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Harry/Ron, Draco/a ginger-haired man
Warnings: Sexy male on sexy male, if you don't like that, don't read it. All mistake are mine bc I don't have a beta. My only beta is the one I wrote the story for!!!!
Summary: Harry gets jealous, Ron gets mad, they both get sex!!!! Draco has fun!!!!
Feedback is my drug, please be my dealer!!!! ENJOY!! Written for yenny2206

boy do i love my ginger-haired men....Collapse )


Posting some pics......

sexy
Okay, here are some pics of sexy men to make your day better!!!!!!!





Hope your day is better now!!!! And I just wanted to point out that I really want to have sex with Matt in that suit!!!! So sexy!!!!!!!!!!

Jenn

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PACKERS..........

green bay
Omg........ I am watching the Packers/Broncos game and it is amazing how the Pack is dominating. 49-17 with 4 minutes to go. I am just enthralled by the fact that this game has been so great! I am so used to watching the Chiefs games and they suck(won today), but no matter what happens in this game, the Broncos are still bringing it. They are just unstoppable!!!! And the Broncos were catching up to the Packers and the Pack just shot off dominating the hell out of the Broncos. Okay, so now it's 49-23. Aaron Rodgers has dominated this game too. Two touchdown runs!!!!! He's fantastic!

Then like my day wasn't great enough, Man U is kicking major arse!!!!! This is fantastic! If Man U wins and Green Bay wins, I will have had the best football day in history!!!!!

Okay, sry for going all sporty on you guys, but I am just so excited about these two games! The only unfortunate thing is I keep having to switch back and forth because they're on at the same time! Which sucks!!!!

Later my peeps,
Jenn

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What a day......

missouri girls rock

I am having one of those years where i am trying to get hurt just about every month. This month it's been twice. I cut my leg open and now I just wacked myself in the head with a piece of metal. Now I have a migrane and I'm dizzy. I think I gave myself a cocussion, concussion. I can't spell it or say it, but everyone tells me it's the second. Cocussion sounds right to me. I think. I don't know it hurts to think too much. So I can't sleep because I think that I have one and I'm afraid that if I do I might not wake up.

So I started writing on my book again. I'm hoping that I can get progress on it. And I've been trying to get the two stories that I promised done, but I've been so busy this past few weeks helping my dad out. I've been trying to get a thousand dollar electric bill paid. Next month, I have a thirty-five hundred dollar electric bill to pay. I am really hoping that I win the lottery some time soon so that I can just pay them all off and tell them to kiss my arse.

Well, I'm going to talk to you guys later and try to take a nap. I'll make sure somebody wakes me up in an hour or so, in case I do have a whatever the heck it's called.

Jenn


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Bored out of my mind......

missouri girls rock
I am completely bored out of my mind. I have six days before my next class starts and it's driving me nuts. I don't know what to do anymore. I want so badly to just get back on my facebook and play a game or something, but I deleted my account. What am I supposed to do online if I have nothing to do???????? I supposed deleting my facebook was a bit drastic, but I was in one of those moods last night and I thought that I would write more if I didn't have facebook drama. I guess I should try to write and see if it works. I think I'll just go to bed though. Before 10 again!!!! Lame!!!

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National pirate day

missouri girls rock

In honor of National Talk Like a Pirate Day, here is some pirate humor for me matey's.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!


A pirate is standing in the paper goods aisle of his local grocery store. He's been standing there looking for 30 minutes when the manager comes up and asks, "You have been here for quite awhile sir. Can I help you find something?"

The Pirate turns and says "No matey, I just can't decide between the Bounty or the CHARRRRRRRRmin!"


So this pirate walks into a bar and sits next to a drunken wench.

The wench looks him over and says, "Nice pirate outfit. Where'd you get your earrings?"

The pirate says, "Arr, I bought one from the dollar store on the other side of town and I got the other from the dollar store across the street."

So the wench exclaims, "Wow! Not bad for a buck-an-ear!"


I hope you enjoy them!!!

Jenn